I don’t know why, but seeing or hearing my friends and roommates is making me flip out. I don’t know what’s going on. Everything hurts and I just want to die.

I’m terrible at everything I do. It makes things not worth trying anymore. Practice is worthless because I’ll never progress and I’ll never make something worthwhile of myself. I am doomed to stagnate in worthlessness for the rest of my days.

I’ve been more depressed today and yesterday than usual. At first this weekend started off pretty well, where I was determined to beat my depression and do all sorts of things like cooking and going to the gym.

Then I lay in bed, and felt very alone. I wanted to cuddle with someone, but I have no one to cuddle with. It seems really stupid, and it is really stupid, but it made me spiral down into depression. I slipped, and ended up hurting myself. However this time, it did little to nothing to help my mood.

I’m writing again, so maybe this will help.

I started talking to V again about my problems. I’m going to try and see if that ever helps anything again.

I disabled my okcupid account. It’s making me feel worse, and I’ve given up on looking for someone. It’s become clear to me that I’m not anything close to what women want in men, so fuckit I guess. I can’t change myself, so I guess I’ll just be doomed to be single forever.

In other news, I visited S with V, G, and P. That was loads of fun. I felt depressed a few times on the trip, but I tried to put on a brave face and get over it so that S would have fun. It worked most of the time.

I can’t shake the idea that suicide is the best option right now. I’ve been thinking about it all weekend. I’m clearly not capable of getting anything I want out of life, I’m going to spend the rest of it alone (no family, friends or anything else) after college, and I’m can barely manage to keep my life together now kind of living on my own. I don’t have the social skills to get out there and meet other people and make new friends.

I should check to see if I can graduate come the end of next year, but quite frankly that thought scares me. I’m not going to be able to make it on my own at all. I just want to give up because that’s all I’m ever going to be good at.

I got upset yesterday because as much as I try and connect with people on OkCupid, I never get a reply back. It’s the dumbest reason ever, and the fact that I’m upset over that makes me feel even worse about myself.

I’ve realized that I don’t know how to be social with people. I’m socially retarded. I can’t connect with people, or flirt, or meet new people or any of the things that normal people can do. I just don’t know how to do any of it. And instead of learn how to do that at college, I just kept fucking it up there too.

I’m fucked when I get into the real world. These are just skills that I’ll never have, and I’m just going to end up alone. No friends, no family, no one. Why is it even worth living anymore? The hell do I have to look forward to? I honestly can’t think of anything anymore.

Cake decorating went great. I can make some great flowers. I was feeling really good about things until later tonight.

Now I’m just constantly thinking about killing myself. I feel so out of place here in Tylerton. My housemates don’t want me here. I just don’t come even close to belonging here. What the fuck am I doing.

I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to see the people from school anymore. I just want to curl up and die. I want to give up. I’m feeling so fucking lonely, and I’m tired of feeling so lonely and so broken. 

I’m really bad at keeping this updated now…I should start doing that more often.

This past few days has been rough. I’ve been getting periodically depressed…and I’ve been thinking about suicide often. Never seriously, but it’s been a thought. It seems to be whenever I talk to P, one of my housemates. I don’t know if it’s his negativity, or how he dismisses/shoots down a lot of the things I say. I wonder if he’s actually my friend, or if he really just hates me like he hates almost everyone else. Sometimes it seems like he’s cool with me, but other times…I just don’t know.

Other times I’ve just woken up feeling terrible. I’ve had mixed success trying to make myself feel better. Yesterday was like that. I felt terrible when I woke up, then found a way to make myself feel better (music). Shortly afterwards, when P and V got back, I started feeling terrible again. Then I went to a death metal concert with G and I felt awesome again.

Afterwards, I went on 2 hour walk to/around campus. It was good way to clear my head and vocalize my thoughts.

I started playing trumpet again this week. I’m really bad now. I also started playing bass, but it seems like I’m better now than I was last time I tried playing. Weird. Hopefully I can get myself to practice trumpet more. That might be good for me.

This past week was great, until I saw my therapist. I don’t know why, but afterwards I just crawled into bed and didn’t want to get out.

I made myself get out to cook chili with G, but that didn’t really help anything.

Today was good…until recently. All day I’ve wanted to cut myself…it’s weird. When I was a little kid, I used to imagine what it was like to get shot.

I’d slow everything down in my head, and imagine the kind of pain that you’d experience when the bullet first penetrated your skin, and how you would feel as it made it’s way through your body. I used to lie in bed night after night, trying to imagine how painful it would be to get shot.

And I was doing that all today imagining the pain I feel when I cut.

It feels so fantastic…and the high afterwards is marvelous. And when I cut when I masturbate…that’s the best thing in the whole fucking world, hands down. Right now, I want it more than anything. I’m not sure what’s stopping me from doing it…is it the fact that I have to wear a shirt all the time afterwards? Is it because I know that when people notice, that they’ll be horribly disappointed in me? Is it because I’d be disappointed in myself?

I don’t think it’s that last one…I don’t think I can be disappointed in myself after I hurt myself. It feels so fucking wonderful, how could I ever regret that?

I think it’s that one about other people being disappointed in me. I really care about what others think about me. I know it’s unhealthy to do so…but it’s what’s keeping me from cutting right now. So maybe it’s actually a blessing right now.

This past week was great, until I saw my therapist. I don’t know why, but afterwards I just crawled into bed and didn’t want to get out.

I made myself get out to cook chili with G, but that didn’t really help anything.

Today was good…until recently. All day I’ve wanted to cut myself…it’s weird. When I was a little kid, I used to imagine what it was like to get shot.

I’d slow everything down in my head, and imagine the kind of pain that you’d experience when the bullet first penetrated your skin, and how you would feel as it made it’s way through your body. I used to lie in bed night after night, trying to imagine how painful it would be to get shot.

And I was doing that all today imagining the pain I feel when I cut.

It feels so fantastic…and the high afterwards is marvelous. And when I cut when I masturbate…that’s the best thing in the whole fucking world, hands down. Right now, I want it more than anything. I’m not sure what’s stopping me from doing it…is it the fact that I have to wear a shirt all the time afterwards? Is it because I know that when people notice, that they’ll be horribly disappointed in me? Is it because I’d be disappointed in myself?

I don’t think it’s that last one…I don’t think I can be disappointed in myself after I hurt myself. It feels so fucking wonderful, how could I ever regret that?

I think it’s that one about other people being disappointed in me. I really care about what others think about me. I know it’s unhealthy to do so…but it’s what’s keeping me from cutting right now. So maybe it’s actually a blessing right now.

These past two days have been fabulous. Yesterday, I went to cake decorating! It was so much fun! I didn’t meet an eligible women my age, but I’m still excited to continue nonetheless. Cake decorating will be a delightful new skill to have.

I also spent the entire day knitting and watching movies. I’m really proud of how my new piece is coming out. It’s so much better than my last piece, and I’m so proud of how much I’ve improved. I showed it off to V and D, and while they weren’t terribly excited, I’m not going to let that dampen my pride!

Today I went out to a book shop and bought two books in Spanish! My new project is to re-learn spanish by reading books in spanish! It’s going ok, but I got distracted by going out with D, G, and V!

I feel like all of this non-major related stuff is going to make me a more interesting person. It definitely makes me feel better about myself. And that’s most important right now.