August 2011
3 posts
I don’t know why, but seeing or hearing my friends and roommates is making me flip out. I don’t know what’s going on. Everything hurts and I just want to die.
I’m terrible at everything I do. It makes things not worth trying anymore. Practice is worthless because I’ll never progress and I’ll never make something worthwhile of myself. I am doomed to stagnate in worthlessness for the rest of my days.
I’ve been more depressed today and yesterday than usual. At first this weekend started off pretty well, where I was determined to beat my depression and do all sorts of things like cooking and going to the gym.
Then I lay in bed, and felt very alone. I wanted to cuddle with someone, but I have no one to cuddle with. It seems really stupid, and it is really stupid, but it made me spiral down...
July 2011
11 posts
I disabled my okcupid account. It’s making me feel worse, and I’ve given up on looking for someone. It’s become clear to me that I’m not anything close to what women want in men, so fuckit I guess. I can’t change myself, so I guess I’ll just be doomed to be single forever.
In other news, I visited S with V, G, and P. That was loads of fun. I felt depressed a...
I got upset yesterday because as much as I try and connect with people on OkCupid, I never get a reply back. It’s the dumbest reason ever, and the fact that I’m upset over that makes me feel even worse about myself.
I’ve realized that I don’t know how to be social with people. I’m socially retarded. I can’t connect with people, or flirt, or meet new people or...
Cake decorating went great. I can make some great flowers. I was feeling really good about things until later tonight.
Now I’m just constantly thinking about killing myself. I feel so out of place here in Tylerton. My housemates don’t want me here. I just don’t come even close to belonging here. What the fuck am I doing.
I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t...
I'm bad at this
I’m really bad at keeping this updated now…I should start doing that more often.
This past few days has been rough. I’ve been getting periodically depressed…and I’ve been thinking about suicide often. Never seriously, but it’s been a thought. It seems to be whenever I talk to P, one of my housemates. I don’t know if it’s his negativity, or how he...
This past week was great, until I saw my therapist. I don’t know why, but afterwards I just crawled into bed and didn’t want to get out.
I made myself get out to cook chili with G, but that didn’t really help anything.
Today was good…until recently. All day I’ve wanted to cut myself…it’s weird. When I was a little kid, I used to imagine what it was like...
This past week was great, until I saw my therapist. I don’t know why, but afterwards I just crawled into bed and didn’t want to get out.
I made myself get out to cook chili with G, but that didn’t really help anything.
Today was good…until recently. All day I’ve wanted to cut myself…it’s weird. When I was a little kid, I used to imagine what it was like...
These past two days have been fabulous. Yesterday, I went to cake decorating! It was so much fun! I didn’t meet an eligible women my age, but I’m still excited to continue nonetheless. Cake decorating will be a delightful new skill to have.
I also spent the entire day knitting and watching movies. I’m really proud of how my new piece is coming out. It’s so much better than...
Today was a great success
Yesterday, I finished up knitting a square to send to Africa! I haven’t knitted before, and this is the first thing I’ve ever made! I’m really proud of this, and I’m more proud of the fact that I’ve been successfully catching myself try and downplay this success, and not letting myself get away with it!
I also fought my feelings of rejections from my friends, and...
Yesterday was a little rough. I woke up in a really great mood, and then went out to go grab a book and read at a coffee shop, but then I got into the city, couldn’t figure out where I could park, and then went home after 20 minutes of driving around looking for parking.
It felt really defeating that I couldn’t do something as simple as park in the city.
Then later, I went out with...
D to the rescue!
I feel better now. I distracted myself by working on my DB project with D. D’s humor really helped to lighten my mood, and get me to focus on working and laughing rather than everything that was making me feel shitty.
That lasted a long time.
I have to drop NDP. There’s a research project I just didn’t even know about due today, and I have nothing. I give up. I’m such a fucking pro at giving up.
I’m so terrible at my major. My career is bound to go nowhere after college. I can’t even handle easy fucking classes in my easy fucking major. How the hell am I going to handle doing...
June 2011
6 posts
1 tag
Conversations
I can talk to people about things other than technology. I had a wonderful, fulfilling conversation with S’s mom and sister about Glee and Project Runway, and I talk to V about random shit all the time.
I went to the counseling center today saying I had an emergency. I hadn’t eaten in two days. Well. I was lying about that one. I need to at least try and be honest with myself. I had eaten little in two-three days. Not meals, or anything worthwhile. Certainly not enough to sustain myself.
But I checked in with an emergency, and talked to a different therapist. I went through, and discussed...
I’m a filthy attention whore. That’s all I am. I’m no better than anyone else. I don’t know why I’ve been fooling myself. I’m just doing it to get attention from people, especially V. This is absolutely sickening.
Grocery Shopping
I honestly feel like I should give up at this point. I tried to do something simple: grocery shopping for the week…and I got too nervous to really go out and buy shit. I’m too scared to cook, even though I’ve done it a bit before, and I’m definitely too scared to do it or shop in front of my housemates anymore.
And it’s so fucking stupid, since I’ve shopped...
It’s funny, I looked over the things I liked about myself, and I never realized how blatantly untrue they all are. I’m such a fuck up.
Things have gotten a lot worse today. I was fine for a few days. But not today.
It started when I felt really unattractive when I woke up, and it didn’t help me when I found out there was a new guy lusting after V. Why is it so fucking easy for her to find men, and impossible for me to meet women? It’s because I’m really unattractive…physically and otherwise. It just...
May 2011
3 posts
7 tags
Something definitely happened
Good things happened lately, kind of.
Two days ago, V and I (I mean me, not some guy named Ivan or some shit) started getting in some kind of sexual, NSA relationship. The first day, nothing was really decided, and she was just teasing me by scratching and clawing at my skin (welcome to my particular kink).
Yesterday was a little more intense. More scratching, and sneaking off to her room to...
4 tags
What I Like About Myself
I’m feeling pretty good about myself, and one of my close friends suggested that I write an entry listing the things that I like about myself. I might do this a few more times to help try and reinforce it.
I like my:
Newfound fashion sense
Dancing style/ability
Sexual openness
Taste in music
Chinstrap
Calves
Cleanliness
Scent
Work ethic
Programming skill
Hirability
Sysadmin...
4 tags
antm
Last night was the worst it’s been in a while.
I had this really cool project I wanted to work on. I had started, just made what I was doing, and asked some of my friends for advice, since I was fairly inexperienced with the materials I was working with.
I got some good advice from this one guy, R, but he was too busy to care when I asked him to really look at what I was doing.
I come...