Last night was the worst it’s been in a while.

I had this really cool project I wanted to work on. I had started, just made what I was doing, and asked some of my friends for advice, since I was fairly inexperienced with the materials I was working with.

I got some good advice from this one guy, R, but he was too busy to care when I asked him to really look at what I was doing.

I come back several hours later, and he just took my stuff and started over. He didn’t like how I was doing what I was doing. He thought that my attempt was naive at best, and he was going to use all of the skills he had developed working in this particular field.

Clearly, I was outmatched.

I gave up on the project, and destroyed everything I had left of it. It didn’t seem right to continue what I was doing with the knowledge that someone so much better than me and who could do so much more than me was doing it.

A thought began to settle. I’m bad at what I do. I’m bad at programming (surprise! it wasn’t an art project or anything). I’m bad at being a systems administrator (my actual job/major/career path). The notion that I’d forever be one-upped by others in my field hit me like ton of bricks. Regardless of how much effort I put in to trying to be competent at my career, I’m always going to get wrecked by my colleagues.

Earlier, I had been hanging out with one of my close ladyfriends, V, and she, one of our mutual friends, G, and I had been pretty flirty all night. When I got back from having my code being wrecked by Russ, suddenly it was clear to me that I wasn’t the focus of her attention. It was totally the other guy.

Now, I’m not trying to date V. I have no interest in doing so. But I was at least having fun being flirtatious, and getting some positive female attention for once.

But it was just the result of hanging out with G. Not me.

This kind of thing happens a lot in my life. I hang out with two really cool people for a while, and they end up dating. I’m always the third wheel. This happened earlier this year, with two of my other close friends. Except that time, I was actually interested in the girl.

She just wasn’t interested in me.

But whatever, it happens. I guess I’ll just suck it up and join the ranks of people who bitch about not having a girlfriend. I can settle there. Maybe they’ll accept me.

But back to the point. (There is one…kinda) I’d really like to be a father one day. That’s pretty much my number one goal in life. But I’m really bad at talking to people I don’t know well. Not necessarily women, but just people I don’t know. I’m really bad at being flirtatious, with anyone, and finally recognizing that I wasn’t the target of V’s flirtiness drove that home, once again.

So I went to bed.

I lay there, most of the night, reflecting on my future. I wonder where my life is going to go if I can’t bring myself to take that first step in finding a relationship, while also being shitty at my job.

Will it go anywhere? Is it even worth going on with life?

I could end up not working in IT, and end up being bad at whatever else I do, AND hating every second of it. I could marry the first (well, not really the first. I’ve dated women before) girl that shows real interest in me, and end up in a horribly abusive relationship.

Or I can remain forever alone, working some shitty IT job for the rest of my life, each day a copy of the last.

That sounds worth living for.