Things have gotten a lot worse today. I was fine for a few days. But not today.

It started when I felt really unattractive when I woke up, and it didn’t help me when I found out there was a new guy lusting after V. Why is it so fucking easy for her to find men, and impossible for me to meet women? It’s because I’m really unattractive…physically and otherwise. It just doesn’t work for me. Even when I try and be interesting, or attractive, women don’t pay attention. But whatever.

From there, it just got worse. I started feeling worse about myself. And it’s kept getting worse. And it’s not getting any better right now. V was trying to help me get over my phobia of cooking and dealing with meal planning, but I just can’t deal with this right now. I signed off because I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I started thinking about suicide more today. It’s a really appealing option. Now that I’m managing my own life, I’m realizing exactly how much of a fuck up I am. I can’t even manage simple stuff like feeding myself. I haven’t eaten today at all, save a sandwich an hour ago. My housemates can all cook and manage their lives, and I have no idea where to begin. It seems like they have their lives together, and that they know what they’re doing…and I get so frustrated trying to do simple shit. 

Hell, I have problems communicating with people too. I can’t even talk to people. I try, and say the same shit over and over again, default back to the same handful of phrases, and never contribute anything of value to any conversations. I make shitty jokes, make people feel uncomfortable…and the worst part I know halfway through doing these things that I’m doing them. It’s like watching a horror movie where you know the main character is walking into the room with the killer…but you’re powerless to stop him.

I make the same stupid mistakes again and again, and never do I learn from them, even when I try.

I’m a bad person, who can’t stick to their morals, who is a shitty friend, who constantly disappoints, who estranges his closest friends,  who makes life less fun for all involved, who makes it difficult for people to help me…

I can’t do this anymore. I hate everything about me. I’m not a good person. I don’t have any good qualities. I don’t know why I bother.