This past week was great, until I saw my therapist. I don’t know why, but afterwards I just crawled into bed and didn’t want to get out.

I made myself get out to cook chili with G, but that didn’t really help anything.

Today was good…until recently. All day I’ve wanted to cut myself…it’s weird. When I was a little kid, I used to imagine what it was like to get shot.

I’d slow everything down in my head, and imagine the kind of pain that you’d experience when the bullet first penetrated your skin, and how you would feel as it made it’s way through your body. I used to lie in bed night after night, trying to imagine how painful it would be to get shot.

And I was doing that all today imagining the pain I feel when I cut.

It feels so fantastic…and the high afterwards is marvelous. And when I cut when I masturbate…that’s the best thing in the whole fucking world, hands down. Right now, I want it more than anything. I’m not sure what’s stopping me from doing it…is it the fact that I have to wear a shirt all the time afterwards? Is it because I know that when people notice, that they’ll be horribly disappointed in me? Is it because I’d be disappointed in myself?

I don’t think it’s that last one…I don’t think I can be disappointed in myself after I hurt myself. It feels so fucking wonderful, how could I ever regret that?

I think it’s that one about other people being disappointed in me. I really care about what others think about me. I know it’s unhealthy to do so…but it’s what’s keeping me from cutting right now. So maybe it’s actually a blessing right now.